After two nights of bad dreams, I awoke this morning feeling panicked.
Instead of following my normal routine of prayer and Bible reading, I began searching the internet on my phone.
This lasted for a bit, when He spoke.
What are you doing?
“Lord, I have no idea. Please forgive me for allowing myself to be driven by fear.”
I closed the internet and opened my Bible.
Incline my heart to Your testimonies, And not to covetousness.
Psalms 119:36 NKJV
After spending more time in prayer, I got up and began my day.
Yet, I just couldn’t get past my poor choice this morning.
I’ve fought fear as long as I can remember.
I felt ashamed that I had walked in it for any length of time.
Because it’s an old foe.
In this case it took a familiar form.
Fear of the future driving me to make plans and secure items in case…
To have everything I might possibly need because the future is uncertain and I might not…
What utter nonsense!
Like I have any idea what is best?
Do I really have so little faith in God’s provision that I think I have to figure it all out?
The moment the Lord spoke I could see it all clearly as a lie which I’ve fallen into before.
And I was disgusted with myself.
But God is so faithful.
His mercy is broad.
After I confessed and repented, He brought me another reminder.
A blue jay.
I was opening the house and startled a fledgling who has been hanging out with his mom in our yard.
He clumsily flew to the vegetable garden.
As I watched him I remembered earlier this week.
I’d been near the fence, pulling a weed in the flower bed, when a loud sound caused me to look up.
There he was barely hanging on to the top.
From the sound of things, I gathered he’d hit the fence first and then managed to hang on instead of plummeting to the ground.
Of course I scared him badly and he lept into one of the trees.
The memory coupled with the fledgling hoping around the tomatoes helped me let go of my shame.
“Thank You, Lord. Sometimes, I’m going to hit the fence instead of land on it. Thank You for showing me that I’m really just a fledgling, still so much to learn.”
God wants to free us from sin, not burden us with shame, because we are sinners.
Of course we shouldn’t go overboard the opposite direction and think we can behave anyway we like either.
It’s a delicate balance.
And it takes walking with Jesus daily to remain on the narrow path.
Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.
Matthew 7:14 NKJV
With my errors and scrapes of late, I’m spending today seeking Him.
I’m so thankful He is shining His light into my heart, but I also want to be cleansed completely of anything else which might cause me to stumble.
And it takes time with Him to become clean, renewed, and taught.
Turn away my reproach which I dread, For Your judgments are good. Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me in Your righteousness. Let Your mercies come also to me, O Lord — Your salvation according to Your word.
Psalms 119:39-41 NKJV
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank You for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for forgiving me of my poor choice this morning. Lord Jesus, I choose to trust You alone, not put my hope in things or people or even times and seasons. Lord, You alone are worthy of all my praise and worship, I do not want to look to anything else. Thank You for teaching me and loving me always. Thank You for humbling my heart and making the truth clear. Only in You is there peace and security. I praise Your Holy name, Jesus! Amen.