The opposite of anticipation

Like the frost covering the ground this morning, my unacknowledged fear had coated my outlook.

Dread, had coated my attitude and I’d walked in that for days, unaware of the distortion of my perspective.

The realization that I’d been dreading this day hit me this morning.

Which is embarrassing, but true.

Where’s the fear coming from?

The Lord pointed directly to my fear while I was praying.

After all this time of chronic illness, I’m afraid of the unknown.

Which is why it’s embarrassing to admit my fear, because the future is always an unknown for us, but it’s never an unknown for Jesus.

In prayer, He showed me that my unwillingness to try a new doctor or medication is a failure to trust Him.

He reminded me that when I was the sickest I’ve been with this, I had the opportunity to share the love of Jesus with many.

He also reminded me, that He is in charge of all these things and I should never dread the unknown, because no matter what, He is with me.

It’s funny how we can hide our true feelings from others and ourselves, but never from God.

I’m so thankful He has revealed that which was lurking in my heart, so I can be honest about it, repent for it, and turn to Jesus to heal and restore.

James 5:16 KJV — Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for Your Word. Thank You for showing me my heart to clearly and for restoring me to faith, trust, and love. Lord, thank You for Your patience with me. I’m so grateful for Your gentle correction and Your love. Lord Jesus, please continue to teach me through Your Word, that I might not sin against You. Thank You for life experiences which bring out what is in my heart and draws attention to the areas which need Your touch. Thank You for Your promises and the joy of Your salvation. Lord Jesus, I know You are walking with me always. Thank You for Your faithfulness, mercy, and grace. I love You, Jesus. Amen.

Allowing circumstances to teach

Beautiful Christmas gift with an excellent reminder.

It had been happening all weekend.

I’d find myself yearning.

Not all the time and not often enough to pay attention to.

Just little bits, little bites out of my day, slowly consuming my thankfulness.

It was yesterday, during the quiet.

I realized the yearning had a name: discontent.

“Uhg! Lord, what have I done to allow this to creep in? I want to be thankful for each day, not waste my blessings in longing for those of someone else.

Lord, please forgive me! I have so much! I am so blessed by You. Please help me to throw out this enemy to peace and joy. Help me to see where I’ve stopped being thankful.”

God is faithful.

He showed me several little things which had all crept up and robbed me of my contentment.

It’s embarrassing, but the two main areas where my guard had fallen were covetousness and self-pity.

It’s difficult to even write that.

To look upon the ugliness of either is repulsive to my soul.

But the truth was brought through by Jesus shining into my heart and I have repented.

I’m now rebuilding the guards which had fallen.

I’m being much more careful what I allow myself to look at online.

It’s easy to “get creative ideas” and fall into “want my house to look like that, it only takes…”.

Or, “I’m only looking for tips on house keeping” and find a list of items you need to keep your home up to par.

What I look at really does get into me in ways I don’t always realize at the time.

So, instead of searching the internet for an idea to an organization issue, or a creative boost, I’m praying.

The self-pity thing is all about what thoughts I allow to linger in my brain.

When I see the stain on the couch cushions what do I think?

Today, and as often as possible, I’m purposing to think:

“Praise God for this couch! It has been such a blessing and a perfect fit to our needs. Lord, thank You for blessing us with this!”

Or something very like it.

Because that couch was and is a blessing from God.

I got it used for $25 and after arranging to buy it realized I couldn’t go pick it up. It’s 7′ long. Even healthy I can’t move it.

My husband was away on a business trip and wouldn’t be home in time.

I prayed.

God placed a name in my heart. I called my dear friend.

Her husband borrowed his father’s trailer, drove the twenty plus minutes to get it. He and their son loaded it. Drove across the road to pick up the bed I’d purchased and then drove back to our place and set it all up.

That was a couple years ago, but I’ve not forgotten how much God blessed me through all of it.

But I had allowed the stains and blemishes of discontent to tarnish the gift.

All because I’d not been on my guard about my thoughts.

After the Lord revealed the reason for my yearning, threw His light upon my sin, and I repeat, I made sure to tell my family.

I asked for their forgiveness for allowing this into my heart.

I also asked them to hold me accountable.

This Monday morning I’m purposing to live a simple content life in Jesus.

There are so many more important things for me to pray for than stains on the couch or my inabilities to organize.

Yes, I want to be a good steward of the things God has given me, but they don’t have the right to draw my attention away from the things which really matter, nor to steal my joy.

I’m so grateful to God for not allowing me to slide further down the slope of self-pity and covetousness.

O Lord , You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
Psalms 139:1‭-‬3 NKJV

Praise the Lord!

He is so faithful and generous to use circumstances to teach me!