Shattered

That’s what I would have been if it were not for the Lord.

For this month has been filled with grief and some uncertainty, for our family.

It began with a family very dear to our hearts, they tragically lost their unborn baby and we were praying it wouldn’t take the life of the mother as well.

My heart felt sick for their loss, but as the mother recovered I was very thankful.

Our hearts were still raw from this when our oldest daughter let us know she was pregnant.

Sadly, our response wasn’t what she expected, not because we don’t want more grandchildren, but because our hearts were still healing.

This news came on the heals of an ER visit by a different family member who was released but with questions as to what was going on.

Thus, we didn’t respond with excited enthusiasm, more like careful praise.

We prayed daily for our daughter and her unborn baby.

My heart dropped when I received a call from her communicating something was terribly wrong and they were headed to the ER.

God’s plans are perfect.

My husband had taken the day off to go hunting with a friend and at the last minute neither of us has peace about him going so he called his friend and cancelled.

It was that same day our daughter was taken to the hospital.

We drove there and swapped vehicles, taking joy in the ability to watch our grandchildren, while praying for our daughter, son-in-law, and baby.

At one point, the news was not good and we prayed, telling the Lord we trusted Him with our daughter and her baby.

I texted prayer requests and loved on our grandchildren like crazy.

In the end, God restored our daughter, but the baby is at home in Heaven.

A few days later, I got a message from our daughter who lives in Chicago.

She was heading to the Urgent Care.

My husband was able to chat with her over the phone and we prayed.

The next day I received a call from her husband’s Grandmother who was taking her to the hospital.

I cried.

I texted prayer requests.

Thankfully, the hospital put her on medication which worked quickly and we were rejoicing at her quick recovery.

Throughout these days of grief and uncertainty, God carried us.

He was in the middle of the entire thing, helping us have joy even with the grief.

Although our hearts were filled with sorrow we had the security of God’s Word and the comfort of a future when we will all be together in Heaven.

At one point I was sharing with our daughter one thought which brought me so much comfort.

“You know your baby and our friends’ baby are both with Jesus.”

Her voice suddenly had a note of hope in it, “Yes! I bet they are having a wonderful time together.”

“I’m sure they are.”

As I look backwards at these days I’m astonished by the faithfulness of God.

He orchestrated such incredible details throughout the whole thing.

Things like my husband being off work.

Our daughter being with her husband’s Grandmother.

Our Ladies’ Bible Study being so supportive.

So many people taking meals to our daughter and husband.

The huge number of people praying…

If someone had told me what I was going to walk through, I’d have told them it would shatter my heart into a million pieces.

But I’d have been wrong.

Instead of shattering my heart, it has strengthen my faith and renewed my joy.

It has brought me to a place where I can let go of our children and grandchildren into God’s hands, for He is far more capable than I.

Lastly, it has reminded me to love more deeply, cherish the day I’m in, and rest in the Sovereignty of God.

He alone can see tomorrow.

It is He, which knows the number of my days as well as the number of each of my loved ones.

His ways are perfect and I can rest in that.

I have comfort in His Word and hope in His future.

Psalm 27:1 NKJV — A Psalm of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 37:39 NKJV — But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; He is their strength in the time of trouble.

Psalm 56:11 KJV — In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.

Isaiah 61:10 NKJV — I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for Your help in times of trouble. Thank You for Your salvation which brings us security for our future. Lord, thank You for Your wisdom, which brings us guidance and direction. Lord, thank You for Your truth, Your Word is our comfort and encouragement. Lord, thank You for Your Holy Spirit which gives us peace no matter the circumstances and joy even in the midst of grief. Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness, for we knew You were with us throughout these circumstances. Please continue to heal the hearts of those who mourn. Please help each one to walk through the grief while clinging to Your precepts and focusing upon Your will for their lives. Lord, for those who are watching their loved ones pass away, I humbly request You meet them where they are. Bring them assurance in their time of sorrow. Bring them wisdom and direction, that they might honor You in all things. Lord, please continue to draw Your people close, that we might be more like You. You are well aquatinted with both grief and suffering. May we, each one, find shelter in You. May Your name be glorified through our lives and may we honor You in all we say or do. Thank You, Jesus. I humbly request these things in Your name, Jesus. Amen.

Sorrow and inspiration

My heart was full of sorrow as I heard the news.

There’s something so sad when a person chooses to walk away from the Lord Jesus, even more difficult than grief of a loved one who was strong in the Lord.

For there is blessed hope of meeting again for the soul safe in the salvation of Christ Jesus.

But when someone who has heard the truth of the Gospel throws off those things meant for their protection, their good, their security in Jesus Christ, it rends the heart of those who love them.

My first response, after the sorrow is wonder.

Did they miss the scriptures which warn us of the dangers of rejecting God?

1 Thessalonians 4:7-8 NKJV — For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness.
Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.

Don’t they understand that their actions are planting seeds into their future?

Galatians 6:7 KJV — Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

Have they missed the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus to save them from sin?

Acts 4:10-12 NKJV — “let it be known to you all, and to all the people of Israel, that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead, by Him this man stands here before you whole. This is the ‘stone which was rejected by you builders, which has become the chief cornerstone.’ Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”

Why choose a life of wickedness, for there is only righteousness for us through Jesus?

1 Corinthians 1:30 KJV — But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:

At the end of all my questions, the facts remain that they’ve heard the truth and turned aside.

Whatever their reason for choosing to walk outside of God’s Word and in rejection of Him, their choices hurt those who love them.

Personally, I have watched many people choose this, and can’t understand why.

It never gets easier to experience.

Yet, my heart is encouraged by those who walk through extraordinarily difficult things with perseverance and joy.

Those individuals who have suffered and yet continue to praise the Lord.

Those who walk through persecution, loss, abuse, abandonment, and all kinds of trials yet their faith continues to grow.

They are those who refuse to see themselves as victims, refuse to fall into selfishness, refuse to abandon the Lord Jesus and His salvation.

Instead, they are humble, patient in affliction, full of forgiveness and love, always seeking opportunity to serve those around them, sharing the Gospel through word and deed.

While my heart continues to seek the Lord on behalf of those who have rejected the truth, I’m comforted by those faithful to the Lord Jesus.

Most of all, I’m inspired by the Lord Jesus and His faithfulness.

He died that those who believe should have everlasting life.

2 Corinthians 5:15 KJV — And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

Grief

Like this leaf, in which the chlorophyll has decayed some days just seem to be missing a key element.

I know it is because of the circumstances.

My work day began with news of my grandmother’s death.

This was compounded by a student having a really poor day.

When I returned home I felt more exhausted than usual, probably due to the emotional drain.

I love those kids at school and it hurts me to see them making poor choices.

I love my grandmother and although her health was fragile, which I was well aware, I’m sad.

Many good things happened yesterday and I was very thankful.

Sis and our wonderful son-in-law came by fora visit.

Earlier another friend of the family had dropped by for a visit.

Yet, I still struggled to find joy in my day due to my grief.

But I know it was there.

Even in loss there is comfort.

Even in trials there is guidance.

Especially in pain there is purpose.

The things that went well out weigh the things which didn’t.

I was able to get a card and candy bar as a birthday gift, thanks to the Lord reminding me and the help of the girls.

Thanks to the willingness of Sis, Bell found the gown she’s to wear to prom in a beautiful dress her sister owns.

Thanks to my husband’s job, he and I will be traveling on a much needed weekend together. He’s being sent on a training, but I get to tag along and we can spend the evenings together.

Most of all, thanks be to God.

As I walk through each day I can clearly see God working.

I can rest in His arms knowing He will carry me through.

How great and awesome is He!

At a loss for words

Not unlike this flower which hasn’t really gotten a chance to bloom is a tiny baby named Levi.

He was an emergency C-section because in an ultrasound they discovered his intestinal track wasn’t working.

After birth he was in surgery.

It’s been a tough battle since that day.

As I dropped off a boy from track practice I heard the latest news.

He’s going in for surgery again Thursday morning.

His intestinal track is still not working and he may not even have a gallbladder.

My friend’s eyes welled up with tears as she shared the news of this beloved baby.

I had nothing to say.

At school we took time to write letters to the family which will be given to the parents as our Assistant Pastor and Pastor pray for Levi in his hospital home.

One of our teachers cried softly as she related the struggles the family is going through.

I had nothing to say.

I picked up a pen trying to write.

Trying to find words of comfort.

Yet words seem so meaningless when I know the depth of pain.

I can only imagine the ache in the hearts of the parents, grandparents, extended family…

I’m still at a loss for words.

But I found something to write :

“We are praying for you.”

And it’s true.

We pray everyday for baby Levi.

I have friends whose entire family pray together every day for baby Levi.

And now I’m asking–

Will you take a moment and pray for baby Levi?

Frozen

When looking at this photograph a few things strike me

The perspective

The fact that the grass closest to the camera is out of focus and the skyline is out of focus

The only part of this picture that is in focus is a few blades

 of frozen grass

So why use such a picture?

For me it shows my perspective

For some time the Lord has been speaking to me about my heart and how it has been hurt

that hurt has frozen my perspective

The things of today are blurred

The things of the past are blurred

All that is in focus is a slice of my life

 I experienced deep loss and tragic brokenness

And my trust was demolished

Like this picture I have been frozen

Unable to see the field, the trees, the skyline

And I know I am not the only one who has experienced such a thing

When listening to a woman relate a tragic incident

My heart was gripped with compassion

She explained that in response to the situation she had made some choices to avoid further harm

Choices which were keeping her from living as others do

After more discussion I learned that as ugly and hurtful as the situation was

 it had happened more than ten years previous.

Yet the woman had been frozen in this moment

She was able to tell it with such crisp detail and deep emotion

It was still affecting her daily life.

How easy it can be to focus on pain, havoc, loss

It can be crippling

Causing those left behind to be completely unable to move forward.

Pain can cause us to cover the offended or damaged with such care that it tarnishes our perspective

My own pain caused me to make changes in my life to avoid further harm

I had made a vow to myself

to protect from further abuse

Until a moment in prayer I had not realized that the vow was there

I knew the hurt but had failed to see it was still open,

oozing self pity.

Convicted of the lack of forgiveness

I repented

Sought comfort and

direction in the Word

But my hope in being changed comes not from self restoration

Eze 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”

Because I can be honest and say

 I am afraid

 of being hurt that way again

I am moving forward in only one security

That God loves me

 and will never leave me

Fully understanding what my pain has been allowed to do in stripping me of my trust in others

And I know that time and continued prayer is the only thing that will rebuild that trust

For I do not want to remain

FROZEN

 

Dearest,

I know that you in no way meant to harm me the way you did. In your own way you were simply reacting to the pain you were going through but in your reactions I was broken, to the point of not being able to believe that you truly love me. To compound the problem there was another who worked their way in between us and caused even further damage to my trust and deeper hurt to my already painful heart. I know you have apologized many times for these things and I believe you truly mean it. But I have been broken and I want to trust you again. But to be honest I don’t. Please forgive me. And help me to see through this circumstance that we might again live and love each other in truth. How? By being devoted to living for Jesus. Not allowing personal desires to drive our daily activities. By being aware of those around us and thoughtful to their feelings and perspectives. By doing the hard things first and the easy things last. By guarding our words and emotions that in our hurt or fear we may not cause such in others. I know it is a tall order and one we can only try to fulfill but by God’s grace may we both strive for this, that trust may be rebuilt as the wall of Jerusalem. Protecting our hearts from the enemy.

Thank you.