Tag Archives: loss

Grief

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Like this leaf, in which the chlorophyll has decayed some days just seem to be missing a key element.

I know it is because of the circumstances.

My work day began with news of my grandmother’s death.

This was compounded by a student having a really poor day.

When I returned home I felt more exhausted than usual, probably due to the emotional drain.

I love those kids at school and it hurts me to see them making poor choices.

I love my grandmother and although her health was fragile, which I was well aware, I’m sad.

Many good things happened yesterday and I was very thankful.

Sis and our wonderful son-in-law came by fora visit.

Earlier another friend of the family had dropped by for a visit.

Yet, I still struggled to find joy in my day due to my grief.

But I know it was there.

Even in loss there is comfort.

Even in trials there is guidance.

Especially in pain there is purpose.

The things that went well out weigh the things which didn’t.

I was able to get a card and candy bar as a birthday gift, thanks to the Lord reminding me and the help of the girls.

Thanks to the willingness of Sis, Bell found the gown she’s to wear to prom in a beautiful dress her sister owns.

Thanks to my husband’s job, he and I will be traveling on a much needed weekend together. He’s being sent on a training, but I get to tag along and we can spend the evenings together.

Most of all, thanks be to God.

As I walk through each day I can clearly see God working.

I can rest in His arms knowing He will carry me through.

How great and awesome is He!

At a loss for words

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Not unlike this flower which hasn’t really gotten a chance to bloom is a tiny baby named Levi.

He was an emergency C-section because in an ultrasound they discovered his intestinal track wasn’t working.

After birth he was in surgery.

It’s been a tough battle since that day.

As I dropped off a boy from track practice I heard the latest news.

He’s going in for surgery again Thursday morning.

His intestinal track is still not working and he may not even have a gallbladder.

My friend’s eyes welled up with tears as she shared the news of this beloved baby.

I had nothing to say.

At school we took time to write letters to the family which will be given to the parents as our Assistant Pastor and Pastor pray for Levi in his hospital home.

One of our teachers cried softly as she related the struggles the family is going through.

I had nothing to say.

I picked up a pen trying to write.

Trying to find words of comfort.

Yet words seem so meaningless when I know the depth of pain.

I can only imagine the ache in the hearts of the parents, grandparents, extended family…

I’m still at a loss for words.

But I found something to write :

“We are praying for you.”

And it’s true.

We pray everyday for baby Levi.

I have friends whose entire family pray together every day for baby Levi.

And now I’m asking–

Will you take a moment and pray for baby Levi?

Frozen

frozen When looking at this photograph a few things strike me

The perspective

The fact that the grass closest to the camera is out of focus and the skyline is out of focus

The only part of this picture that is in focus is a few blades

 of frozen grass

So why use such a picture?

For me it shows my perspective

For some time the Lord has been speaking to me about my heart and how it has been hurt

that hurt has frozen my perspective

The things of today are blurred

The things of the past are blurred

All that is in focus is a slice of my life

 I experienced deep loss and tragic brokenness

And my trust was demolished

Like this picture I have been frozen

Unable to see the field, the trees, the skyline

And I know I am not the only one who has experienced such a thing

When listening to a woman relate a tragic incident

My heart was gripped with compassion

She explained that in response to the situation she had made some choices to avoid further harm

Choices which were keeping her from living as others do

After more discussion I learned that as ugly and hurtful as the situation was

 it had happened more than ten years previous.

Yet the woman had been frozen in this moment

She was able to tell it with such crisp detail and deep emotion

It was still affecting her daily life.

How easy it can be to focus on pain, havoc, loss

It can be crippling

Causing those left behind to be completely unable to move forward.

Pain can cause us to cover the offended or damaged with such care that it tarnishes our perspective

My own pain caused me to make changes in my life to avoid further harm

I had made a vow to myself

to protect from further abuse

Until a moment in prayer I had not realized that the vow was there

I knew the hurt but had failed to see it was still open,

oozing self pity.

Convicted of the lack of forgiveness

I repented

Sought comfort and

direction in the Word

But my hope in being changed comes not from self restoration

Eze 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”

Because I can be honest and say

 I am afraid

 of being hurt that way again

I am moving forward in only one security

That God loves me

 and will never leave me

Fully understanding what my pain has been allowed to do in stripping me of my trust in others

And I know that time and continued prayer is the only thing that will rebuild that trust

For I do not want to remain

FROZEN

 

Dearest,

I know that you in no way meant to harm me the way you did. In your own way you were simply reacting to the pain you were going through but in your reactions I was broken, to the point of not being able to believe that you truly love me. To compound the problem there was another who worked their way in between us and caused even further damage to my trust and deeper hurt to my already painful heart. I know you have apologized many times for these things and I believe you truly mean it. But I have been broken and I want to trust you again. But to be honest I don’t. Please forgive me. And help me to see through this circumstance that we might again live and love each other in truth. How? By being devoted to living for Jesus. Not allowing personal desires to drive our daily activities. By being aware of those around us and thoughtful to their feelings and perspectives. By doing the hard things first and the easy things last. By guarding our words and emotions that in our hurt or fear we may not cause such in others. I know it is a tall order and one we can only try to fulfill but by God’s grace may we both strive for this, that trust may be rebuilt as the wall of Jerusalem. Protecting our hearts from the enemy.

Thank you.