Balancing Act

Balancing life’s changes can be a full time job.

As our daughter and son-in-law are learning.

It’s still something I’m walking in.

Since returning home it has been a continuing effort.

And it’s not unusual.

Anytime we have had a major change it has taken me a while to feel balance with life’s needs.

Routines,

schedules,

appointments,

and priorities

are all new

and it takes time to sort them out.

As I lay awake this morning talking with the Lord about all, He reminded me it’s simply another part of the path.

How I handle the shuffling of life will reflect how I’m doing on the inside.

Yesterday it was a struggle.

As much as I wanted to just roll with things I wasn’t.

It ended with me needing to apologize for not speaking in a way that brought encouragement.

I hadn’t intended to harm with my words.

I thought I was being self controlled.

Yet it was clear the other person felt chewed up.

Uhg.

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I really wasn’t trying to. I never intended to. Please forgive me.”

Which was granted by my gracious child, but I could still see hurt behind the smile.

-sigh-

So, I prayed and ask the Lord to forgive me and to heal the hurt I’d incurred.

And I went to bed realizing the whole thing had kept me from finishing up something I had as a priority.

And that is part of the balance.

Realizing that our family relationships will always take priority over any task.

Because people are so much more important than stuff, schedules or personal pleasure.

And the Lord is guiding us in each and every single circumstance if we take the time to listen.

Which is where I failed yesterday.

I spoke and didn’t listen to the soft gentle voice.

And I can learn from yesterday.

I can choose a better way.

Dear Jesus,

Please guide and direct my steps, my words, my actions. I do not want to cause pain. Please heal the hurt. Help me to start fresh today. Thank You for Your endless mercy and abounding grace.

2am

Some things don’t work.

Like Spud here trying to fit in the cat bed.

I’ve seen him try so many times to get himself to fit.

But it never happens.

And the crazy thing is his own bed is always nearby.

He can rest comfortably on it, but no.

He keeps working at something that will never happen.

This morning at 2am I was praying.

Not because I wanted to be awake, but because I was wrestling the bed.

As I prayed God spoke.

Bitterness.

Uhg.

“Lord, no! I’ve forgiven–”

The Lord only had to mention one word.

I knew instantly.

“Yes, I am still bitter. I’m still hurting and I can’t see around it.”

So, I struggled with forgiving again.

I was frustrated.

“Lord, I’ve done this so many times! I thought it was gone. I thought I’d given it to You. Why has it returned to rob me of my rest and peace?”

You are still hurting.

-ouch!-

It was like God tore off a bandage which was simply holding the infection in.

But as I was free to look at myself,

to take stock of the hurt,

I realized where the hurt was coming from.

To see inside oneself through the gifts of God’s discernment is truly humbling and

healing.

This isn’t going to be an instant fix.

Bitterness is an invasive disease which sends out runners to every possible point inside a heart.

It links memories and relationships into a web of pain stifling the infected so gradually that it can go unnoticed for a very long time.

And for me to root out those long tendrils of hurting unforgiviness I had to go to the root.

fear

I don’t want to hurt any more.

I can’t change my physical pain, but I’ve been unconsciously trying to protect myself from emotional pain.

The only way to protect myself is something that simply won’t happen.

I’d need to order all the circumstances in my life.

I’d been trying to control things.

I’m not God.

I’m not supposed to try and keep myself safe.

I’m supposed to rest in His Sovereignty.

To leave behind the nonsense which will never work and trust Jesus.

Hurt will come. But I shall heal you.

-sigh-

“Jesus, take every tendril, every shred, every piece of bitterfearhurt and remove it. Thank You for bringing it to my attention. I don’t want to continue to try to control my life, my circumstances, or my family in any way. I want to rest in Your will. I want to trust Your path. I want to be free from the past. Help me…”

Frozen

When looking at this photograph a few things strike me

The perspective

The fact that the grass closest to the camera is out of focus and the skyline is out of focus

The only part of this picture that is in focus is a few blades

 of frozen grass

So why use such a picture?

For me it shows my perspective

For some time the Lord has been speaking to me about my heart and how it has been hurt

that hurt has frozen my perspective

The things of today are blurred

The things of the past are blurred

All that is in focus is a slice of my life

 I experienced deep loss and tragic brokenness

And my trust was demolished

Like this picture I have been frozen

Unable to see the field, the trees, the skyline

And I know I am not the only one who has experienced such a thing

When listening to a woman relate a tragic incident

My heart was gripped with compassion

She explained that in response to the situation she had made some choices to avoid further harm

Choices which were keeping her from living as others do

After more discussion I learned that as ugly and hurtful as the situation was

 it had happened more than ten years previous.

Yet the woman had been frozen in this moment

She was able to tell it with such crisp detail and deep emotion

It was still affecting her daily life.

How easy it can be to focus on pain, havoc, loss

It can be crippling

Causing those left behind to be completely unable to move forward.

Pain can cause us to cover the offended or damaged with such care that it tarnishes our perspective

My own pain caused me to make changes in my life to avoid further harm

I had made a vow to myself

to protect from further abuse

Until a moment in prayer I had not realized that the vow was there

I knew the hurt but had failed to see it was still open,

oozing self pity.

Convicted of the lack of forgiveness

I repented

Sought comfort and

direction in the Word

But my hope in being changed comes not from self restoration

Eze 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”

Because I can be honest and say

 I am afraid

 of being hurt that way again

I am moving forward in only one security

That God loves me

 and will never leave me

Fully understanding what my pain has been allowed to do in stripping me of my trust in others

And I know that time and continued prayer is the only thing that will rebuild that trust

For I do not want to remain

FROZEN

 

Dearest,

I know that you in no way meant to harm me the way you did. In your own way you were simply reacting to the pain you were going through but in your reactions I was broken, to the point of not being able to believe that you truly love me. To compound the problem there was another who worked their way in between us and caused even further damage to my trust and deeper hurt to my already painful heart. I know you have apologized many times for these things and I believe you truly mean it. But I have been broken and I want to trust you again. But to be honest I don’t. Please forgive me. And help me to see through this circumstance that we might again live and love each other in truth. How? By being devoted to living for Jesus. Not allowing personal desires to drive our daily activities. By being aware of those around us and thoughtful to their feelings and perspectives. By doing the hard things first and the easy things last. By guarding our words and emotions that in our hurt or fear we may not cause such in others. I know it is a tall order and one we can only try to fulfill but by God’s grace may we both strive for this, that trust may be rebuilt as the wall of Jerusalem. Protecting our hearts from the enemy.

Thank you.