Tag Archives: dreams

Memories unfold

I’m certain God was calling me.

I’m sure it was the Lord who was telling me so gently.

Wake up. It’s just a dream”

Because I did.

At first I couldn’t remember where I was or what was really real.

Vivid, emotional, and disturbing my dream had robbed me momentarily of where and what.

I had been crying.

No sobbing in my dream.

And with the first wakeful seconds I thought I still was.

“It’s just a dream”

Right.

Nothing to be upset about.

Nothing to fear.

-why does my chest hurt if I wasn’t crying?-

Then childhood memories flood my mind.

Over and over and over.

As a child, if I cried for any length of time my chest would hurt.

I remember wanting desperately to stop crying but couldn’t.

I remember my parents trying to get me to stop and my fear and frustration at not being able to.

I remember trying to hold my breath, anything to stop crying.

Even today, I hate crying.

It hurts.

And here I am, after dreaming about the exact same experience, and

my chest hurts.

-sigh-

Could I have been struggling with asthma even then?

I don’t know.

But it brings me comfort.

Even as a young child Jesus was with me, helping me, holding me, comforting me.

I can look at all the changes our family is facing due to my being ill as either a terrible trial, something we have to force our way through, or I can rest in the new as another opportunity for God to show us His greatness.

Am I expecting a miracle?

Yes.

But not a miraculous healing to take away my asthma and allergies.

I’m expecting the miracle to be the journey we walk.

What I mean is this.

If Jesus has walked me through the last 41 years of life and has continued to uphold, love, and support me why not rest in His Sovereignty?

Instead of looking at life’s discomfort or disappointment with dread or fear or anger, why not just trust and find thankfulness?

Do I praise God when my chest hurts?

Yes,

I’m trying to.

In those moments I can thank Him because He is just as worthy as the moments my chest isn’t hurting.

Do I praise God when my family is suffering?

Again, I’m trying to.

I don’t enjoy watching them suffer, but I’m too small to see how God is using it for good in their lives.

And yes, I’m still working on not sinning.

At times, especially when I don’t feel good, it seems sin is so quick and so easy.

But God has been gracious there as well.

He’s teaching me to hold my tongue and to quickly apologize when I haven’t.

He’s teaching me to let go of what I think is important and to focus on what the Word says is important.

It’s an amazing journey…

And I can rest in the newness of each day, because it’s not my journey.

It belongs to Jesus.

Sandcastles

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Memories of childhood instantly appear.

The feel of grit inside shoes, between toes.

Saltwater and sunshine and laughter all mix together.

There’s a different kind of sandcastle.

The ones made of dreams.

The ones which can be etched with childhood desires turned adulthood vows.

Maybe I am the only one who has had any of these.

I remember one of the first was to live on a farm.

To have animals and live off the land and spend all my time outdoors.

Yet the castle began to crumble as reality hit me.

Animals are not the same outside the petting zoo.

Outdoors means not just in the sun and warmth but in the cold and snow and rain.

Living off the land means days of work to till the soil, plant the seeds, water, weed, fight the bugs and birds only to realize most food needs to be processed if it will last the winter months.

Another castle I had built was titled “motherhood”.

Babysitting was my best paying job and I loved it.

Kids just were fun.

How much better to have my own!

Then our daughter was born and I realized with sorrow she cries when I hold her. She squirms and kicks when I cuddle her. She doesn’t eat when I try to feed her. Wait! Maybe this isn’t as easy as it looks!

However, with each sandcastle I have built the lessons have been worth the cracks in my dreams.

Farming taught me to appreciate the food on our table and the hours of hard labor it stands for.

Motherhood has given me the ability to learn the unique and wonderful ways each child is created, different yet amazing.

The only times my castles have completely been obliterated was through my own selfish pride.

When I tried to hold on to a dream. To force it to come true. I learned grasping at the sand, trying to pat in place, the perfect tower of “dreams”, my efforts were the exact same as if it were a sand creation I was trying desperately to create.  I had flattened the castle.

When God’s will begins to wash away the castles of selfishness or pride I have always been able to look back and see I was better off without them.

Some dreams are not His perfect will.

Yet the ones which do hold His path for us are the best because although they can crack and crumble,

Although the end structure may look different,

If it was used by Him to bless and stretch and grow it is a castle worth building.