Just not…

“You’re just not breathing well.”

My husband’s words were spoken with compassion, but lacked the urgency and concern of a year ago.

Praise God!

This time last year, I wasn’t doing well at all.

Getting through the day was my prayer every morning and at night I thanked God.

My health has been steadily improving and most of this week I’ve functioned better than I have in a very long time.

It was yesterday evening when my husband’s words encouraged me to do nothing but rest.

Although, my health has not returned completely, I understand it may never go back to the way it was.

I am so thankful for what I am able to do.

To keep house, cook, and homeschool is such a blessing.

For I have learned God is the reason I can do anything.

All my abilities, including breathing, are solely a gift from God.

2 Samuel 22:33 KJV — God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.

Therefore how my body reacts to each day is under God’s authority and whether I’m feeling well or poorly, I can rest in His Sovereignty.

Philippians 4:13 NKJV — I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Never before have I realized how much of my “doing” is all because of Christ strengthening me.

It’s not about how much I accomplish in a day.

It’s not about me “doing good works” for God.

It’s resting in the truth that every breath, every breath, is taken because Christ strengthens me.

Same goes for the strength to walk.

Every beat of my heart, is because God has given me life and the strength to live another moment.

Which means I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

And I’ve never been so thankful for the gift before.

To God be all glory and honor and praise!

He is truly worthy of all praise and worship!

Psalm 13:6 NKJV — I will sing to the LORD, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You so much for breath. How great it is to have the ability to walk and talk, to hear and see! God, You give me so many things, and I’m sorry for being ungrateful to You for my life, I’ve not always realized what abundance You have provided. Lord Jesus, thank You for saving my soul. Thank You for the Bible! How blessed I am to read Your Word any time I want. Jesus, may my life reflect You. For You are incredible. I love You, Jesus. Amen.

Sleepless

“I-can’t–breathe-”

“Oh, okay, don’t worry.”

“I–need–my—-inhaler.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll grab it in a minute.”

crushing

pain

smothering

“I–need–my–inhaler!”

“Ok, don’t worry, I’ve got it. I have to grab something else really quick. Don’t worry I’ll be right back.”

PANIC.

“NO!–I–can’t–breathe!“

Suddenly,

I realize

I’m awake.

My chest is crushing me and I’m gasping for air, but all the drama I was just experiencing was simply another bad dream.

I managed to get my inhaler and soon my chest was better.

But my night was pretty sleepless after that.

It was the fourth time in two days I’d had the same experience.

Dreaming I was having an asthma attack and waking to find…

I was having an asthma attack.

I lay awake a long time trying to get my body to relax,

trying to feel like I can breathe.

And in the darkness of sleeplessness a thought came to my mind.

“What was it like on the cross?”

From all the medical information I’ve read about crucifixion it’s very very painful to take even one breath.

And I have a much better understanding of painful breaths than ever before.

“Thank You.”

To choose to die in so much pain simply to save sinners, to save this sinner…

That is love!

What astonishing grace.

What undeniably incredible mercy.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to take the next breath without effort.

But I do know that Jesus understands.

He always has.

He always will.

And more than that…

I know I’m in His hands.