Tag Archives: bitterness

2am

Some things don’t work.

Like Spud here trying to fit in the cat bed.

I’ve seen him try so many times to get himself to fit.

But it never happens.

And the crazy thing is his own bed is always nearby.

He can rest comfortably on it, but no.

He keeps working at something that will never happen.

This morning at 2am I was praying.

Not because I wanted to be awake, but because I was wrestling the bed.

As I prayed God spoke.

Bitterness.

Uhg.

“Lord, no! I’ve forgiven–”

The Lord only had to mention one word.

I knew instantly.

“Yes, I am still bitter. I’m still hurting and I can’t see around it.”

So, I struggled with forgiving again.

I was frustrated.

“Lord, I’ve done this so many times! I thought it was gone. I thought I’d given it to You. Why has it returned to rob me of my rest and peace?”

You are still hurting.

-ouch!-

It was like God tore off a bandage which was simply holding the infection in.

But as I was free to look at myself,

to take stock of the hurt,

I realized where the hurt was coming from.

To see inside oneself through the gifts of God’s discernment is truly humbling and

healing.

This isn’t going to be an instant fix.

Bitterness is an invasive disease which sends out runners to every possible point inside a heart.

It links memories and relationships into a web of pain stifling the infected so gradually that it can go unnoticed for a very long time.

And for me to root out those long tendrils of hurting unforgiviness I had to go to the root.

fear

I don’t want to hurt any more.

I can’t change my physical pain, but I’ve been unconsciously trying to protect myself from emotional pain.

The only way to protect myself is something that simply won’t happen.

I’d need to order all the circumstances in my life.

I’d been trying to control things.

I’m not God.

I’m not supposed to try and keep myself safe.

I’m supposed to rest in His Sovereignty.

To leave behind the nonsense which will never work and trust Jesus.

Hurt will come. But I shall heal you.

-sigh-

“Jesus, take every tendril, every shred, every piece of bitterfearhurt and remove it. Thank You for bringing it to my attention. I don’t want to continue to try to control my life, my circumstances, or my family in any way. I want to rest in Your will. I want to trust Your path. I want to be free from the past. Help me…”

Washed by the Word

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“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Eph. 4:31-32

These words can be simple.

Of course we should forgive.

No one wants to be an angry, evil spouting, unforgiving,  unloving,  spiteful person.

No one wants to be the person whom others dread.

The person which is so unpredictably poor tempered everyone walks on eggshells around them.

Yet,
unfortunately,
I know some people who fit this description.

What’s even worse,
I’ve had times in my life,
I’ve been this person.

Complaining, grumbling, and ill tempered.

The key to avoiding or reversing this pattern is spelled out.

Put it away.
Stop.
Forgive.
Love.
Control your tongue.
Control your emotions.
Seek peace.
Walk in thankfulness.
Daily remember: Christ forgave you. 
Your account is paid in full.
Your sins are washed away.

I like to think of it as the beach when the tide is out.

The water recedes and reveals all manner of hidden things.

Not unlike the Word of God to help me view my heart and the things normally  not visible.

Then the Lord shows me all He wants to do. Whether it means cleaning off the rubbish left behind by hurt or struggle, or it means gathering together the little treasures of blessings often unnoticed under the daily grind.

So, as I meditate on this verse I pray.

“Lord Jesus, please show me anyone I’m with holding forgiveness from. Please flood my heart with love for the people in my life.

Father, show me how to put off words which hurt and instead be tenderhearted and kind. Help me to see from the other perspective.

Lord, help me never start a day without thanking You for the forgiveness and love you pour out on me daily.

Please continue to speak to my heart through Your scriptures so I can see myself clearly. ”

I’m so thankful for God’s Word which washes me daily!