Memories unfold

I’m certain God was calling me.

I’m sure it was the Lord who was telling me so gently.

Wake up. It’s just a dream”

Because I did.

At first I couldn’t remember where I was or what was really real.

Vivid, emotional, and disturbing my dream had robbed me momentarily of where and what.

I had been crying.

No sobbing in my dream.

And with the first wakeful seconds I thought I still was.

“It’s just a dream”

Right.

Nothing to be upset about.

Nothing to fear.

-why does my chest hurt if I wasn’t crying?-

Then childhood memories flood my mind.

Over and over and over.

As a child, if I cried for any length of time my chest would hurt.

I remember wanting desperately to stop crying but couldn’t.

I remember my parents trying to get me to stop and my fear and frustration at not being able to.

I remember trying to hold my breath, anything to stop crying.

Even today, I hate crying.

It hurts.

And here I am, after dreaming about the exact same experience, and

my chest hurts.

-sigh-

Could I have been struggling with asthma even then?

I don’t know.

But it brings me comfort.

Even as a young child Jesus was with me, helping me, holding me, comforting me.

I can look at all the changes our family is facing due to my being ill as either a terrible trial, something we have to force our way through, or I can rest in the new as another opportunity for God to show us His greatness.

Am I expecting a miracle?

Yes.

But not a miraculous healing to take away my asthma and allergies.

I’m expecting the miracle to be the journey we walk.

What I mean is this.

If Jesus has walked me through the last 41 years of life and has continued to uphold, love, and support me why not rest in His Sovereignty?

Instead of looking at life’s discomfort or disappointment with dread or fear or anger, why not just trust and find thankfulness?

Do I praise God when my chest hurts?

Yes,

I’m trying to.

In those moments I can thank Him because He is just as worthy as the moments my chest isn’t hurting.

Do I praise God when my family is suffering?

Again, I’m trying to.

I don’t enjoy watching them suffer, but I’m too small to see how God is using it for good in their lives.

And yes, I’m still working on not sinning.

At times, especially when I don’t feel good, it seems sin is so quick and so easy.

But God has been gracious there as well.

He’s teaching me to hold my tongue and to quickly apologize when I haven’t.

He’s teaching me to let go of what I think is important and to focus on what the Word says is important.

It’s an amazing journey…

And I can rest in the newness of each day, because it’s not my journey.

It belongs to Jesus.

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