The fact that the grass closest to the camera is out of focus and the skyline is out of focus
The only part of this picture that is in focus is a few blades
of frozen grass
So why use such a picture?
For me it shows my perspective
For some time the Lord has been speaking to me about my heart and how it has been hurt
that hurt has frozen my perspective
The things of today are blurred
The things of the past are blurred
All that is in focus is a slice of my life
I experienced deep loss and tragic brokenness
And my trust was demolished
Like this picture I have been frozen
Unable to see the field, the trees, the skyline
And I know I am not the only one who has experienced such a thing
When listening to a woman relate a tragic incident
My heart was gripped with compassion
She explained that in response to the situation she had made some choices to avoid further harm
Choices which were keeping her from living as others do
After more discussion I learned that as ugly and hurtful as the situation was
it had happened more than ten years previous.
Yet the woman had been frozen in this moment
She was able to tell it with such crisp detail and deep emotion
It was still affecting her daily life.
How easy it can be to focus on pain, havoc, loss
It can be crippling
Causing those left behind to be completely unable to move forward.
Pain can cause us to cover the offended or damaged with such care that it tarnishes our perspective
My own pain caused me to make changes in my life to avoid further harm
I had made a vow to myself
to protect from further abuse
Until a moment in prayer I had not realized that the vow was there
I knew the hurt but had failed to see it was still open,
oozing self pity.
Convicted of the lack of forgiveness
Sought comfort and
direction in the Word
But my hope in being changed comes not from self restoration
Eze 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
Because I can be honest and say
I am afraid
of being hurt that way again
I am moving forward in only one security
That God loves me
and will never leave me
Fully understanding what my pain has been allowed to do in stripping me of my trust in others
And I know that time and continued prayer is the only thing that will rebuild that trust
For I do not want to remain
I know that you in no way meant to harm me the way you did. In your own way you were simply reacting to the pain you were going through but in your reactions I was broken, to the point of not being able to believe that you truly love me. To compound the problem there was another who worked their way in between us and caused even further damage to my trust and deeper hurt to my already painful heart. I know you have apologized many times for these things and I believe you truly mean it. But I have been broken and I want to trust you again. But to be honest I don’t. Please forgive me. And help me to see through this circumstance that we might again live and love each other in truth. How? By being devoted to living for Jesus. Not allowing personal desires to drive our daily activities. By being aware of those around us and thoughtful to their feelings and perspectives. By doing the hard things first and the easy things last. By guarding our words and emotions that in our hurt or fear we may not cause such in others. I know it is a tall order and one we can only try to fulfill but by God’s grace may we both strive for this, that trust may be rebuilt as the wall of Jerusalem. Protecting our hearts from the enemy.